Sometimes I wish I was a contortionist, so I’d have the flexibility to kick myself – multiple times! Nobody hates me more than myself whenever I say or do things which I later on regret. Almost as soon as I say something nasty, I want to roll my tongue up and swallow it. By then, it’s already too late to undo the pain I caused someone.
More often than not, it’s a case of “What was I thinking?” It’s irrational how I could’ve said something with no basis at all. It’s almost as if something has possessed me, voiding me of all sense and reason. Unseen outside forces seem to have some power to propel me to say or do things which I normally wouldn’t.
Once I find myself stuck in this quagmire, what do I do? The hair-pulling and self-berating of course will always come first. And then I become restless. I rack my brain for a way out of the prison I’ve put myself in.
When given the chance, I try to make up for the wrong I’ve done. I do my best to glue whatever’s broken back together.